A visit from the government

Hey check this out. A census worker showed up at the house last night. Some old beat up guy in an old beat up car with an old beat up dog. I was in the yard burning (trying anyway) a huge stump. I see the guy coming up the driveway so I go to meet him.

As I got closer, I knew there’s no way I knew this guy. But I thought it must be someone who knew the previous owners of the house. I asked if I can help him. That’s when I saw the census stuff in his front seat.

He asked if I could spar about eight minutes. I told him it’d take a lot less time than that. We made small talk about dogs and cats while he shuffled through his papers. He asked if lived here. I said, “yes.” He asked if this was my primary residence. I said, “yes.” He asked, “How many people lived in the house.” I answered, “Three, now, we’re done.”. He said, “No there are sev…” I interrupted him, “We are done.”

He told me that I should take look at something. I asked if this was the part where the government was going to try to scare me. He handed me a piece of paper. I didn’t have my glasses but I could make out a few key words “penalty” was one. I handed him back his paper and told him that the constitution requires a census every ten years for the purpose of allocating seats in the House of Representatives. I said one more time, “We’re done,” adding, “send the Feds out here over this census. I’ll be a rich man.”

Later as the fire burned down with a huge stump still in the middle, it occurred to me, what kind of government sends private citizens out with a piece of paper to threaten other private citizens? What kind of citizen would report a fellow citizen to the government for not filling out a piece of government paper work in whole? Fascists and communist governments and people were the answers I came up with.

As continued to ponder, I thought I should have drug the whole thing out for an hour or more. Thinking about each question and comparing each census question with the verbiage in the constitution. Calling my friends asking what they think I ought to do with regard to a particular question. So every question would be like “Who wants to be a millionaire.” You know how the guy talks to himself.


“Question two. Are there additional people living in the house not included in question one?”

“What was question one again?”

“How many people live in the house?”

“Three”

“OK. Question two, Are there additional people living in the house not included in question one?”

“Gee, I dunno. My son’s imaginary friend stops by now and then, and my brother-in-law just about lives here. I know for sure that I live here. That’s one for sure. My friend Billy lived here for six months when he and his wife split up. Do I claim him or does his wife? Or do we each claim half?  Can you do that?  Claim half?  Then there’s the constitution part of this that tells me this is none of your damned business. What was question one again?  Can I poll the audience on this one?”

This way I could give the allusion of cooperating while answering nothing and tying the census worker up for an hour and thereby limiting the number of people he could harass that day.  Your hard earned tax dollars at work.

The funniest part was when my wife reminded me that we had answered question one and mailed our form back.  So even if you mail the questions back, if the government doesn't like the answers they send a fellow citizen out to harass you.