Time for common sense knife spork legsilation

There is some disturbing news from NY City. Well there’s always disturbing news from NY City. But how about this? Maksim Gelman stabbed 3 people to death using 6 knives and killed a fourth with an automobile while on a 28 hour rampage that terrorized the entire city.


Where is the anti-knife crowd when you need them? This is a clear case where congress must enact common sense knife control legislation. 6 knives? Come on. Is there really any good reason why anyone would need more than one? And one of the knives Mr. Gelman used during his rampage was 10 inches long. 10 inches long? Sounds more like a sword to me.

I can’t wait for Chuckles 3 branches Schumer to come out with his new low capacity knife legislation. The target of 3 branches Chuckles legislation will be steak knife sets. These ugly sets can be purchased by any American without so much as a background check or a three day waiting period and can contain up to 6-8 knifes. A single purchaser can even buy multiple sets.

Many knife enthusiast believe that 3 branches Chuckles’s common sense steak knife restriction is just a precursor to Chuckles real goal of a nation wide spork (pictured above) requirement. Chuckles knows that once the knife ban goes into effect, people will skirt the law and begin to buy longer and longer forks with which to stab people with. The only way to stop the stabbing carnage is with comprehensive spork legislation.

Since knives are not specifically mentioned in the constitution, 3 branches Chuckles expects his legislation to sail through the senate where liberty snatching Demo-Dopes hold the majority. The legislation is expected to die in the House where Republicans were heard to say, WTF?

Chuckles is undeterred by common sense or reason. Sure it’ll get whacked in the house by the Neanderthal Republicans who want to see every citizen of NY City with Bowie knife strapped to their leg. But we enlightened few know that every maximum security prison in the land has turned to the spork and inmate on inmate stabbings have been reduced one half of one tenth of a percent.  And really is America, under Demo-Dope control, that much different from a prison?

Mayor Bloomberg agrees and is adding knives to the list of legal but none the less banned items in NY City such as cigarettes, trans fats, sugar, salt, spandex on fat people and the toy in a happy meal. Bloomberg was heard to utter, New Yorkers have always been willing to let me sacrifice their liberty for false sense of security. Beside we all agree that I, Mayor Bloomberg, knows what’s best for everyone.

With regard to the person killed by the automobile, Chuckles is looking into the make of that car. If it happens to be anything other than a GM or Chrysler, he plans to ban that make from sale until the manufacturer can prove that pedestrians will have 98% survival rate during a head on crash test at 60 mph.