Have a beer and enjoy the flight

This morning before heading out for school, Lex jr. reported that he was going to the movies after school today. My first response was, “Who’s driving?” Jenna is driving. That’s a relief, because teen age girls are significantly less likely to kill their passengers than a teen age boy. But still, teen age girls are the second most risky drivers to travel with, right behind teen age boys, and just ahead of senior citizens under 80.


Wow, I know way more about who is driving young Lex today than I do about who is flying the airplanes I board. That’s crazy when you consider that most driving entails a 20 minute 30 mph jaunt across town and flying…well flying is down right dangerous. You’d think we’d know way more about the pilots.

Well over one million people per day board airplanes in the United States. Think about that. Over one million people willingly hop aboard fragile thin skinned aluminum tubes chock full of highly combustible jet fuel and powered by powerful engines that take the tube miles into the air and then hurl the tube through the atmosphere at, if not so common place, would be unthinkable speed. Yet we do not have the slightest idea who is flying the wonder machine. Worse, or better depending on your mind set, we don’t even care as long as the plane takes off and lands on time.

If the pilot is having money problems, family problem, drinking problems, drug problems etc and would, in his own mind “benefit” from an “accident,” we don’t want to know. We want to leave on time and arrive on time. That is our main criterion for judging a pilot’s skill set – does he take off and land on time. The fact is the more we knew about these guys the less likely we’d so willingly hop aboard our next flight.

If we knew our pilot had suicidal tendencies, or was looking for some way to score a big insurance pay out for his family or was just plain crazy, how willingly would stroll up the jet way to the tube to find our seats? My approach to flying is, hell I know nothing about the pilot and can’t fly the plane if something goes wrong. So for me, flying can be summed up in these five words, “Flight attendant, another beer please.” What else can I do except enjoy the flight?

Nov last, in their infinite wisdom, given the choice between a sober, alert and fit for duty pilot and the one they had seen tossing down doubles in the airport lounge for a couple of hours before the flight and bragging about the 100 ways he would crash the airplane, over 50% of the passengers (the American people) chose to fly with the drunk because he promised them free drinks, free headsets for the movie and an extra bag of peanuts on the flight.

Now our debt laden flight is aloft trying to maintain enough air speed to keep from stalling. The pilot ordered tons and tons of free liquor be brought aboard for the passengers who voted him pilot. The extra weight makes controlling the plane all the more difficult. The flight engineer recommends dumping some the free stuff in order to gain speed and altitude. The pilot rejects that idea and counters that they should throw anyone making more than 250,000 dollars out of the airplane.

The tower is warning the pilot that a whether ceiling that they must fly beneath is looming just ahead. The tower suggests dumping all unnecessary weight to make the wonder machine more maneuverable in the impending foul weather. The pilot says dumping the free stuff is non-negotiable.

Meanwhile back in the cabin, the free loaders are all drunk and enjoying the flight. Free booze, food, air phone calls, movies, this is great. The co-pilot has donned a red nose, a rainbow wig and baggy clothes and is making his way down the isles to reassure everyone that everything is fine.

The sober passengers are scared to death. One of the sober passengers shouts, “Flight attendant, I’ll have a beer, please.” His fellow sober passengers shout, “Are you nuts! This thing could crash at any minute!” He replies, “Yeah, well I can’t fly the airplane. So, until you’re ready to rush the cabin and take control, handing it over to someone who can, I might as well relax and enjoy the flight.”