If Lefty Libs ran the rescue

Hurricane Harvey dumped over four feet of water on east Texas.  The flooding is truly unbelievable.  The rising waters trapped thousands in their homes without power, water and sewage and miles from the nearest supplies of food and fresh water. 

with waters not expected to recede for possibly weeks, what to do?  Plucking the stranded survivors one by one with helicopters would take weeks.  Assets to go door to door via boats are not available to the government.  The situation was quickly becoming dire for those trapped in the rising flood waters.

Enter the Cajun Navy, a grass roots group of boat owners from across the country who have dropped everything in their private lives and descended upon the disaster to offer assistance.

What?  Private Citizens in the south helping each other out?  They are probably only helping white people who voted for PDJT and have a Confederate flag in the front yard, right?  No just about anyone in need can hop into a boat.  If Lefty Libs ran the show, here’s what it’d look like:

Lib:  Well are you licensed to help? 

Cajun Navy:  Nope. 

Lib:  What?  You just can’t show up with a boat and begin helping people without a government permit ($200), a government license ($400), 100 hours of training (99 of which is mandatory government required diversity training), an EPA sticker ($300) on your boat, proof of insurance, an emissions free pickup truck or other tow vehicle, and there's a complete bans on guns, Confederate flags and boats and/or people with names in any way connected the Confederacy.  Your boat's name - "Bobby's Dream" - is an obvious reference to Robert E. Lee's dream to take over the United States.

Cajun Navy:  No it ain't.  I'm Bobby and that boat has been my dream for years.   

Lib:  Well I suggest you look into a name change to something less offensive, like Malik or Barack.  Further the boat and occupants must be cleaned with a government approved cleaning agent and inspected by a government agent ($50 fee) between each run into the flood zone.  Boats must travel in at least 3s but not more than 5s (unless you are issued a waiver by the disaster coordinator located in Caligula, D.C. and available between 2 and 2:15pm on odd days with months with a minimum of 31 days) and maintain constant contact with government authorities and each other via a government approved radio, transponder, semaphore flag hoist (not Confederate flags), government approved tow ropes, government approved Mores Code lighting equipment (Must be proficient in Morse Code to send and receive a minimum 25 words a minute), a non-toxic water proof smoke generator and proficiency in smoke signaling techniques of at least three different Native American tribes, and at least one crew member proficient in American sign language, Spanish, Arabic and two or more Pacific Islander dialects.  Anyone wishing to participate and help victims will be required to pass an “extreme background check” (Unless you claim Illegal/Undocumented status).   

Now if you cannot pass these simple minimum common sense requirements we’ll have to confiscate your boat and truck and arrest you for impeding authorities during a crisis punishable by 10 years in prison a $10,000 fine or both.

Cajun Navy:  First off, f*ck you.  Second off, my boat won't hold all of that crap.  Last off, if you touch my boat, I’ll shoot you.   If you touch my truck after I leave, my wife will shoot you, and she’s a better shot than Sgt. York.  Now get out of my way so I can go help people.

What to do with those pesky statues
The Lefty Libs war on statues could be a money making proposition for communities.  Put the statues on Ebay and sell them to the highest bidder.  You’d have Lefty Lib lunatics with no actual interest in the statue bidding up the price and maybe get stuck with a giant Robert E. Lee statue which they no doubt default on or destroy in- place.  Legit winners could move the statue to private ground where it could be protected and enjoyed.  Problem solved.  You’re welcome.