Living longer = health care crisis

We are living longer and have a pill for everything that ails us. Yet we have a health care crisis.

In the 1850’s, due largely to infant mortality, Americans could expect to live a whopping average of abut 39 years. Over the years, except for a 10 year period 1870 – 1880, life expectancy in the US increased to today where the average American can expect to live a touch over 78 years. 78 years! That means you’ll be pitching your corn hole bags from a wheel chair with one hand and the beer can that used to occupy the other hand will have long ago been replaced with a drool cup.

So we’re living longer and better than ever. We’re living cleaner than ever, and except for a few, we’re living healthier than ever. What a great country, right? WRONG!

Don’t you know anything? We’re in a health care CRISIS! Good God man, it’s only a matter of days before government operated two wheeled carts pulled by ACORN community organizers begin to roam the streets calling out, “Bring out your dead.” Something MUST be done! That something is “health care reform.”

Used to be when an American felt like crap they’d get up have a couple glasses of water and an aspirin while they tried to remember exactly how many beers they’d had last night. OK that’s when I feel like crap. But generally Americans trudged on even when feeling a bit under the weather. Today Americans have a pill and therapy for – literally – everything. Watch the TV and these things come on.

“Are you plagued with low self esteem due to excessive ear wax? Try Bristol Meyers new Zan-O-wax-phono-gon.”

Then the testimonial:

“I‘ve been plagued with low self esteem all my life. But since I discovered Bristol Meyers new Zan-O-wax-phono-gon, I’m a new man! I bought a boat and a 10 million dollar house on the Barney Frank plan!”

Then comes the funny part. The drug company gets the fastest talker in the world to list all of the warnings associated with the new drug:

Zan-O-wax-phono-gon is not for everyone. It may cause insomnia, scaly skin, yellow teeth, eyelids not close completely, head baldness, which is compensated for by a hairy back, toe nail fungus, excessive ear and nose hair, planter warts, cravings for arugula, erectile dysfunction, inflamed joints, gums to recede, teeth to fall out, tongue to swell, scabs to ooze, excessive acne, diarrhea, acid reflux, uncontrolled urine flow, bed wetting, blindness – usually temporary, involuntary use of loud vulgar language. And in very rare cases death. Check Bristol Meyers web page for drugs to treat each side effect.

Zan-O-wax-phono-gon should not be taken by women who are pregnant. Men who use Zan-O-wax-phono-gon may become pregnant. Don’t use Zan-O-wax-phono-gon if you’re awake or plan to be awake in the next 36 hours.

We’ve become a nation of hypochondriacs. Being a hypochondriac isn’t a bad thing if you’re the one paying for what you think ails you. It’s only when the Dear Leader thinks that it’s up to your neighbors to pay for your failed hair transplant and sex change operation that we have a REAL HEALTH CARE CRISIS.