Home of the brave?

While chicken excrement Minnesota Senator Mark Dayton runs from hiding place to hiding place, yelling liar – liar and claiming the sky is falling in America, millions of Iraqi citizens will head to the polls under the real threat of violence. One wonders how Brave Brave Sir Robin (See the archived Oct 16 post) would be acting were he an Iraqi citizen. No doubt Robin would be offering up his wife and children to terrorists and hiding in a deep hole just to save his own worthless hide. (Simpson’s episode: Martians land and knock on the Simpson’s door. Homer answers. The Martians say, “We’re space aliens and we’ve come to eat you.” Homer says, “But I’m a married man with three children. Why don't you eat them?”)

But while crazy Marky Mark “is my limo armored?” Dayton struggles to find a safe place, Fat Teddy looks for a free shot of whiskey while siding with our enemies, and hoe handle smart Babs Boxer sends out fund raisers to support her obstructionism, real heroes in Iraq will take to the street and vote. They will be protected by other real heroes – the American fighting man. The number of American heroes will be 31 fewer due to a helicopter accident last week. How does Fat Ted want to pay tribute to our heroes? Fat Ted wants to cut and run like Dangerous Mark Dayton when he learns a Girl Scout Troop is selling cookies on Capitol Hill.

I’d pay money to see these two fine examples of American manhood race for the last fighting hole during a mortar attack. Teddy being fat and slower than a snail in the freezer would have to resort to trickery. “Aaah, look Maak it’s Haley’s comet.” Dopey Dayton falls for it and looks up. Because there is no bridge to drive Dayton off of, Fat Teddy hits Brave Brave Sir Robin in the groin with a large stick. Robin falls to the ground writhing in pain. Fat Teddy trundles toward the fighting hole with all of the speed of a fear stricken opossum.

20 minutes later, as Fat Ted is just about to finish his 20 yard dash to the hole, Robin regains his cowardous. Thinking quickly, he grabs a flask of whiskey from his pocket. He shouts, “Teddy, how about a drink?” Fat Ted stops dead in his tracks. He turns toward Dayton who is holding the flask aloft in one hand. Fat Ted begins drooling all over himself. Brave Robin knows he has won. He throws the flask away from the hole. Fat Ted chases the flask, now like Carl Lewis running for Olympic gold, and Dayton, after years of practice running from every danger real and imagined, races safely to the hole.

Too bad the most dangerous thing that either of these two weasels will ever face is the fear of radon gas in the basement of one their multi-million dollar homes. If Fat Ted and Brave Robin were an example of the average American male, in an odd reversal, even the French would be making fun of us. Which of course means, if the French can, everyone can.