The White House is reporting that late last night George Bush saved a man’s life in the White House kitchen. The AP is reporting that the president had wondered down to the kitchen for snack and to sneak a real beer late last night after watching Murphy Brown reruns on Nick at Night. Expecting to meet his latest love interest intern, Mr. Bush found a choking Secret Service agent instead.
Reacting quickly, the president immediately administered the Heimlich maneuver and dislodged a chicken bone from the stricken agent’s throat. The agent heaped great praise and thanks on the president. “I’m one lucky guy. If he’d not shown up, I was a gonner.” In an unusual twist, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, “The president learned the Heimlich maneuver while a member of Yale’s secretive club Skull and Cross Bones.” It seems the exclusive club, far from the frat party image often associated with it, is nothing more than a high level “life saving club” where members learn mouth to mouth, the fireman’s carry, and the four life saving steps (Start the breathing, stop the bleeding, protect the wound and treat for shock) in addition to the Heimlich.
It seems not everyone is impressed with the president’s late night heroics. John Kerry, also a Skull and Cross Bones member, complained of the president’s unilateral method of administering the Heimlich. Kerry said, “I mean come on, Heimlich is a German name but the president has so alienated our allies the Germans wouldn’t even assist him in rescuing the agent.” In a well thought-out and consistent position, Mr. Kerry said, “I would have saved that agent too, but I’d have done it cheaper and smarter.”
Ted Kennedy said the president “cooked the whole thing up” at a Bar-B-Q in Crawford to aide his buddies at Haliburton who Kennedy claimed has purchased all rights to the Heimlich maneuver. “Ahh, this is a cheap stunt by the, ahh, president to, ahh, line the pockets of big business and keep the working man down.” Mr. Kennedy went on slam Haliburton, “Ahh, Haliburton’s purchase of all rights to, ahhh the Heimlich maneuver will cause millions, ahh to lose their lives because, ahh they can’t pay Haliburton’s outrageous royalties.” Haliburton officials dispute the Kennedy claim saying that as far as they know, no rights to the Heimlich maneuver even exist. Kennedy scoffed at the Haliburton statement saying, “Ahh time after time we have seen this president side with the rich while starving our children and the poor. Ahh last week I saw the president and ahh the Haliburton CEO steal a ham sandwich from a hobo.”
NOW president, what’s her name, condemned the president’s heroics saying, “This president stays up late saving the life of one male agent while millions of female agents die from chicken bone in throat syndrome everyday. Where’s the justice? This president has the worst record on chicken bone in the throat of female agents in history.”
Jesse Jackson asked for hearing on the incident saying,
“Black man looses his coat - agent gets a bone stuck in his throat.
Black man freezes in cold - pres puts agent in Heimlich hold.
Loss of coat demonstrates hate - so now we must investigate.”
Michael Schaivo and the ACLU weighed in as well. Michael said the agent told him that if he ever had a chicken bone stuck in throat, he wouldn’t want to live like that and he should receive a lethal injection to ease his pain. The ACLU said the federal government had no right to intercede in the agent’s immanent death – that the president’s life saving measure was a violation of state’s right. Libs across the country have called the president a hypocrite for abandoning his position on federalism. In a surprise move the Florida Supreme Court and Judge George Greer have insisted that the bone be reinserted and that the agent be allowed to die “with dignity”. The Supreme Court has refused to hear the appeal.
Can't believe it's already April.
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