Why modernize? It runs fine.

Herry Reid's dream car

In 1935 each seat of congress was given a 1935 Plymouth Deluxe. The car was gifted to the congressional seat not the member - so the cars, now 70 years old, are still in use by members of congress today. As demonstrated in chart below, the Plymouth Deluxe was quite a car for its time – state of the art you might say. It had all the modern day amenities, even an oil filter!

When Republicans gained a majority in Washington D.C., they set about modernizing the dilapidated old Plymouths, after all they are 70 years old. Republicans advocated taking advantage of modern technology and updating the tires, paint, adding seatbelts, changing the oil, overhauling the engines, replacing the worn upholstery etc. Democrat leadership Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi reacted with shock and called the plan “an idea of far right reactionaries.” Nancy said, “The cars are fine. My staff pushed me around the block in mine yesterday.” Mr. Reid said, “We can’t break faith with the American people. These cars have served us for 70 years and we shouldn’t allow the extreme elements of an extreme party to tinker with them.” Ted Kennedy opined that “Republicans just want to line the pockets of their big auto parts dealer contributors with tax payer money.” Howard Dean screamed, “WE’RE NOT GOING TO LET RUSH LIMBAUGH AND OTHER RIGHT-WING KOOKS TAKE AWAY OUR PLYMOUTHS. WE’RE GOING TO DRIVE THEM TO MICHIGAN AND IOWA AND OHIO. THEN WE’RE GOING ON TO WASHINGTON AND IDAHO AND NEW MEXICO EEEEEEHAAAAGHHHH!

Absurd? Well, yes it is. There were no 1935 Plymouths gifted to congressional seats. However, the Social Security System is 70 years old. One party wants to modernize the system. One party thinks the system designed for a 1935 America is just fine and dandy in 2005. SS was a great scam in 1935. The government confiscated money from the worker promising to pay him back when he turned 65. The problem was life expectancy in 1935 was, drum roll please, 62. Today, that’d be like Lex barrowing $100,000 of your money and promising to pay back when you turn 99 years old.

The problem for the government occured when people actually started living long enough to collect some of the confiscated money. That worked out like handing your 8 year old son your can of Coke and saying “here, hold this for a minute.” When you ask for it back, you know it’s going to be empty. And it doesn’t matter if he had just drunk a six pack of the stuff. And that’s where we are now. Uncle took your money promising to pay you back, if you lived long enough, but then Uncle went and spent great sums of the money on such worthwhile enterprises as a black and white photograph of a crucifix in a jar of urine.

Democrats are just fine with the current Ponzi scheme. Republicans are trying to put some honesty and personal responsibility into the system.

1935 Plymouth DeLuxe
$660 Price
113" Wheelbase
Hydraulic Brakes
4 semi-elliptic Springs
Floating Power Engine mounts
Directional Cooling
Bypass thermostat Water circulation control
18.2:1 Steering gear ratio
Silent chain Camshaft drive
Manifold heat control
Engine oil filter (!)
Ventilated clutch
All gears quiet Transmission
Sway eliminator
Tubular Front axle
Double tapered roller Rear wheel bearings
Roller bearing Universal joints
Independent on driveshaft Handbrake
Improved six cylinder Engine economy