President Lex announces Iraq Victory Group

Below is the transcript of President Lex’s remarks to the press yesterday on forming an Iraq Victory Group or IVG:

Good morning. I’ve looked at the Iraq Study Group’s report on our war effort in Iraq. I placed that document where I encourage every American to place it, in the sh$%can. I am asking the ten members of the Iraq Study Group to voluntarily reimburse the American Tax Payers for any money paid to them for this sham. I’m also asking that royalties from book deals, appearance fees or other money making arrangements made by the ten member group on the basis of their participation in this abomination be paid directly to the US Treasury. Anything short of the group’s complete cooperation on reimbursing the government fully for the fraud that they have perpetrated on the American people will result in me ordering the Attorney General to sue each member on behalf of the American people to recoup the cost of the ISG paid for by American’s hard earned tax dollars.

That said, this morning I am announcing a new group. This new group will be called the Iraq Victory Group. The IVG will be headed up by retired Marine Corps Commandant Charles Krulak. General Krulak rose to the rank of 4 star general in the US Marine Corps. He directed logistics during our lightening victory in the first Gulf War. He headed up the Marine Corps as its Commandant. Most importantly, he is a fresh thinker and leader.

I have directed that General Krulak find a strategy for victory in Iraq. We are not going to “study” Iraq. If I wanted to do that, I’d employ the simple minds at Ohio State’s school of Communications. Even they could come up with the banalities, foolishness and counter productive measures found in the ISG report which is currently weighing down my trashcan in the Oval Office.

Assisting General Krulak will be the following great Americans

Military Advisors:
Gen. Schwarzkopf (USA Ret.)
Gen. Zinni (USMC Ret)
Gen. Franks (USA Ret)
Gen. Jumper (USAF Ret)
Adm. Vern Clark (USN Ret)

Each of these distinguished military men will be assisted by four active duty military men - two officers O-6 and below and two enlisted men E-7 and below. The only other qualification is that these men must have led troops on the ground in combat operations in Iraq during the last 18 months.

Diplomatic advisor:
Democrat obstructionists in the senate refuse to give John Bolton an up or down vote. The UN’s loss is the IVG gain. I’ve asked John to assemble a team of the best and brightest foreign scholars, diplomats, business people and educators. Their sole mission is to support American interests in the region. The only direction I’ve given is that the regional realpolitic of the status quo not cause us to lose sight of America’s interests or principles.

Information advisor:
I’ve asked Rupert Murdock to assemble a team of news and ad personnel to effectively portray the truth of what is happening in Iraq. This is not the propaganda department. That will be headed up by the prestigious ad agency J. Walter Thompson. The Information Advisor will devise a strategy to get real story of Iraq told. That story includes things other than close ups of the latest car bomb.

Technology advisor:
I’ve asked Bill Gates to head up a committee to explore how we can leverage our technology advantage for success on the battlefield, apply financial pressure on our enemies and those who support them and information dissemination. The fact that we have not cracked the IED problem is a disgrace to this nation. Mr. Gates has been directed to gather whoever is required and spend whatever is necessary and develop a plan to end this scourge in 6 months.

I am directing that the group work mainly from Iraq. This will focus their attention and hasten the completion of their work. Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a “bipartisan” effort at comity with our enemies in the region or political enemies at home. The members of the IVG will all swear an oath that their only interests are America’s interests and that our mission is victory in Iraq. We are a nation at war with a vicious and cunning enemy. It’s time we started to act like it.