A Tale of Two Establishments, a Christmas Story Part II

Continued from below...

The Menus

MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s menu is printed on a single sheet of onionskin thin recycled paper. The menu claims to offer only organic food but the chef regularly buys from the cheapest supplier without regard to how the product was produced. The four trust babies make sure everything is marked up as if it were organic though. The few customers that visit MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s always rave how much better the organic stuff tastes. The chef, sneaking a smoke in the back, laughs his butt off.

There is no meat or any animal products on the MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s menu. Most of the menu consists of artificially flavored tofu. Their biggest seller is the vegemite meatless meatloaf. Drinks are mostly fruit flavored “spring water” that actually comes from the tap in kitchen and is flavored with a dab of Kool-aid. The few customers, rave how you can "really taste the differrence in spring water". You can get a white wine spritzer made with a vintage wine. There are several vintage bottles of wine on display behind the bar, but the sritzers are made with the box wine under the bar.

Dan’s menu hits the table like a big city phone book. There is every manner of fried, baked, blackened, BBQ or the house specialty smoked - beef, chicken, pork, lamb, frog, fish, oyster, shrimp and vegetable imaginable. The house specialty is the full rack of smoked dry ribs. On Fridays, it’s the smoked “catch of the day”. No matter how much is prepared they always run out. Dan still personally oversees the smoking process at the three industrial sized smokers off the back of the restaurant. One of the 20 something year old cooks once told Dan that they could do it and there was no need for Dan to be in at the crack of dawn every other day to supervise the process. Dan's only response was, "There is a reason my name is on the sign young man."

There are a 100 different kinds of liquor behind the bar and 27 different beers. Kids who hang around the bar long enough know that if the bar tender is not too busy he will slide them a 7up with a little Grenadine and a maraschino cherry. Most of the parents grew up calling the concoction a Roy Rogers or a Shirley Temple. Dan insists that the staff call it a "Stryker" after the John Wayne character in the Sands of Iwo Jima.

When MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s had their grand opening Dan sent over 8 platters of his best stuff for the MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s staff and a note “Welcome to the neighborhood”. MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s sent the platters back with a rude note about dead animal flesh or something.

The Parking Lots

MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s has no parking lot. There is a bike rack in front. The absentee owners do not want to encourage the use of fossil fuels and the internal combustion engines - although they each drive the latest gas guzzlers themselves.

Dan has purchased and knocked down the three blighted buildings adjoining his property. He has made a huge parking lot to accommodate the oversized SUVs most of his customers drive.

MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s offers free valet parking for customers driving hybrid autos. They park them across the street in Dan’s lot.

Dan says park your own damn car. He knows what MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s is up to. So Dan puts up a sign in his parking lot, “Warning, park your hybrid here at your own risk. If it gets crushed under Dan’s Hummer – so sad too bad – get a real car.”

The Decors

MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s has a sign as you enter that says “No fur. No leather. No cigarettes. No kids. No pets. No loud talk. No free water. No free restrooms. No designer shirt, no designer slacks, no designer shoes and belt – no service. Napkins extra.”

Dan’s has a sign outside the door “Some people here smoke. If you don’t like it, don’t come in.” Inside the door there is another sign right under the “Wear whatever you want, but you must wear something” sign - that reads, “Most of Dan’s staff and many patrons have a right to carry a concealed weapon’s permit. Behave accordingly.”

The inside of MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s is completely a monochrome light grey. It used to be a light grey with a slightly lighter shade of grey adding contrast. Someone complained that there was a slightly greater percentage of the lighter shade of grey leaving the impression that MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s was prejudice against the slightly darker shade of light grey. So they painted it all the slightly darker shade of light grey. The grey is accented by the chrome tables, and chairs, Formica bar and the glass and mirrors that round out the décor. Inside there is no discernable indication that the Christmas holiday is up on us.

Nobody really remembers what color Dan’s was originally. Where you can see the walls at all, it’s mostly dark greens and yellows, from age or smoke or both. Most of the walls are now covered with things Dan has collected over the years or people have given to him or left behind. There is of course the obligatory first dollar ever earned framed behind the bar (MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s has yet conduct its first cash transaction) and the yellowed framed favorable restaurant review that appeared in the local paper what seems like a 100 years ago with a picture of Dan behind the bar when he was thin, didn’t wear glasses and had hair. Some places where pictures or other wall hangings have been moved or knocked out of square, show a lighter greenish and yellow color under.

Tables and chairs at Dan’s are old oak, made to last and they have. The bar is to die for. 30 feet long, brass foot rail, solid oak top and elbow rail over an elaborately carved oak bottom. An etched and beveled mirror runs behind and is the length of the bar and to the ceiling. The words Dan’s Goodtime Smokehouse are elaborately etched in an ark in the middle.

Dan puts up four huge live Christmas trees every year and has them decorated stem to stern. Customers add things of their own. Business cards are a favorite. Others have their kids color the Santa, star and Christmas tree on the seasonal place mat. The waitresses cut them out, sign the kid’s name to them and hang them on one of the trees. Some families string popcorn or cranberries provided at the bar while waiting for their dinner.

One of the long time regulars brought in an old picture of his wife Millie. The photo was framed in pink paper lace. Millie and the old man had spent 100s of hours over the years talking with Dan and watching people come and go from the corner booth. It's the old man's dollar that is framed behind the bar. Millie passed some time in the spring and the old man had not gotten over the loss. Dan cleared a prominent spot in the middle of the first tree and a beautiful young Millie is there for all to see and remember.

Each night before closing now, Dan goes by the tree and makes sure Miss Millie’s space has not been encroached upon. He takes the most unusual thing added to the trees that day home to show his wife. Tonight Dan notices a digital picture of MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s Grand Opening that appeared in the city paper. Some wise guy had photo shopped the picture. The "Grand Opening" sign was changed to Merry Christmas, an aluminum Christmas tree was added, the tables were colored red and the carpet green. The wait staff all had Santa hats on and the four absentee owners were photo shopped in as elves. In an ironic touch, the jokster signed the picture with a green Sharpie, Merry Christmas & best wishes to Dan from all of your friends at MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s.