A Tale of Two Establishments: A Christmas Story The End

Mercifully this is the last instalment of our Christmas story. Merry Christmas to all. Family is arriving soon and I still have to get the Mrs. that chainsaw I know she wants, so, unless there's big news, I'll see you all on 2 January, 2007.

The staffs

MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s hired people at random – the only fair way to do anything according to Chase. They were swamped with applications when the MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s owners promised a “living wage” for its employees. After long meetings with union reps, illegal aliens, Ted Kennedy representing the Progressive – ahh Democrat party, they agreed that $35 an hour to start was in fact a “living wage”. Someone suggested $35.50 and everyone thought the guy was nuts.

As a result of their random hiring practices, MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s has three waitresses. Two are blind and the third is an octogenarian who uses a walker and is in the third stage of Alzheimer’s. A dwarf has been hired as the chef. A recovering alcoholic tends bar. A stuttering harelip is the greeter and a kleptomaniac works the cash register. Everyone works “flex hours”. Nobody knows when anyone else is working. Some days nobody works and MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s is just closed.

Dan does all of the hiring and firing and sets the work schedule. He hires attractive young women to wait tables and occasionally work the bar. He hires young men to cook, tend bar and do everything else. The only thing that gets someone fired faster than trying to steal from Dan is trying to steal from a customer.

Dan closes only four times a year, Christmas, New Year’s, Easter and Aug 5th. On Aug 5th Dan’s is open only to Dan’s staff, former staff, close friends and Dan’s best customers for an all-day catered party and games. For years people have speculated about the significance of August 5th for Dan. One by one the theories had been disproved. Every imaginable anniversary, kids’, grand kids’, wife’s and Dan’s birthday had been checked – none matched.

The latest theory they have settled on is that August 5th has something to do with the neatly framed picture behind Dan’s office desk. It’s a photo of a one armed man, an older couple and two Marines. Next to the photo, in the same frame, is Dan’s Silver Star. Centered inside the frame, neatly written, are the words “Each life touches so many others. Josh”. The staff has agreed that August 5th is in someway linked to that picture. That theory is wrong. Dan and his wife are about the only people still alive who know that Aug 5th was Dan’s mom’s birthday and that the party has always been in her honor.

The buy out

MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s went broke after two weeks. George Soros stepped in and coughed up a billion dollars to take MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s concept nation-wide as a testament to Liberal business practices. Chase, Arcy, Montague and Giles tripled their investment and were hired on for six figures each as consultants. At the MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s across from Dan’s, Soros hired Al Franken as the Maitre de for $1.3 million dollars. Franken regularly calls the cops on Dan’s for being too loud, having too many lights on, the parking lot not being up to code, long lines blocking the sidewalk, smoke, noise in the parking lot after closing etc. etc.

Dan just pays the fine and fixes the problem.

The Christmas lights

MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s has a single sign in grey paint on plain white paper in the window, “Have a happy non-specific winter holiday celebration”.

Dan’s has 20,000 lights out in front, a Godzilla sized blow up Santa, a plastic life-size Nativity scene with 50 characters and an 8 foot Menorah set up in the parking lot - classic Christmas music plays all day from speakers on the roof. It’s all topped by a billboard size neon sign on the roof that flashes a red “Merry” then a green “Christmas.” Franken complained about the display and the city ordered Dan to remove it or be fined a $100 a day. Dan went to the city clerk’s office, asked what the lump sum fine would be to leave the display up until New Year’s and wrote the city a check for the full amount. Since the controversy hit the newspapers, 100s have come by to see the display and support Dan. While they are there they go into Dan’s and have a drink and a bite to eat. Dan’s is now looking at a record breaking December.


Christmas Eve

Today, Christmas Eve, the cops show up at Dan’s sirens blaring and lights flashing. This brings a smile to Franken’s face. The cops rush inside and head straight for Dan’s office. “What is it this time officers”, Dan asks. “Mr. Franken alleges that your front sign protrudes 3/8ths of an inch too far from the building.” Dan promises to fix the sign and then as always, invites the officers to have seat, order a coke and anything they’d like off the menu on him. He directs the staff to get the officers served first. Dan joins them and they become friends.

The veteran officer asks Dan if it was true that, back in the day, Dan once shot an armed robber in the chest. Dan answers in the affirmative. He tells the officers that it wasn’t long after they had opened and he and his wife Annie were closing up. He shakes his head and says, “You know, it bothers me that a man had to die for the 58 dollars and 60 cents that we had in the register that day. If it had been just me, I’d have given him the cash and hoped for the best. But he had that damn gun and I just couldn’t take the chance that he might just shoot my Annie anyway.” “What did you shoot him with”, asks the rookie officer. Dan reaches under the table, from somewhere he produces a Smith& Wesson .357 revolver. Dan nods, returns the gun to its hiding place, gets up and heads back to his office still a bit troubled by events that happened decades ago.

Meanwhile, out front the flashing lights have drawn quite a crowd. Many wander into Dan’s to see what the commotion is all about. While they are there, they order a drink and something to eat. What an hour earlier looked like a slow afternoon turns into a record breaker.

Dan’s will be closing early on Christmas Eve. Dan Jr. is coming home from the Marines with his wife and kids today. Ever since learning of their arrival, Dan has made it clear that the place would be cleaned up and the door locked not one second past six p.m. The young bar manager tells Dan that he’d be happy to lock up. Dan thanks the man but declines the offer saying, “There’s a reason they still call it Dan’s”.

At closing, Dan sees everyone out wishing them a Merry Christmas and stuffing generous bonuses into their pockets before going through his closing ritual. Now, he’s headed home to be with his wife and kids and most important at Christmas time, the grand kids. As he walks out, he straightens Miss Millie’s picture on the tree, turns out the lights and locks the front door at 6 pm sharp. He walks to the parking lot with a few packages in hand, last minute things for the grand kids and the coat Annie had mentioned one time two months ago that she liked and then quickly added, “But it’s way too expensive.”

Before getting into his Hummer to go home, Dan remembers the lump of envelopes in the glove box. He reaches in and grabs the stack. He walks across the street to a closed and dark MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s. One by one, he slides 22 envelopes through the mail slot in MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s door. Each envelope has the name of one of MGPWPECCTOMC&L’s 22 employees hand printed on it. Inside the envelope is a $50 gift book for Dan’s Goodtime Smokehouse with a simple handwritten note “Merry Christmas, your friend Dan”.