Letters from Harry

From: The less than Honorable Harry Reid
To: Muqtada al-Sadr

Subj: Six month cease-fire

Dear Mooky,

I just read with disappointment that you’re ordering a six month cease-fire. Look I know you’ve been getting your butts kicked for last several months. But Mooky, baby, now is not the time for more good news from Iraq. Besides, I thought we both agreed that it would be the US who would quit first.

I would like you get our allies, the mighty Mahdi Army, back into this fight stirring up trouble and creating as much chaos as possible ahead of that incompetent boob Gen Petraeus’ report. I cannot long sustain my cry for surrender and retreat if it looks like we’re winning.

Try to hold up your end of our deal through Sep and I will in return double down on my promise to declare the war lost, our soldiers criminals and their leaders incompetent. When the Democrats force the US to surrender, we can share a hot tea and discuss an oil sharing deal with al Qaeda.

You friend in Jihad,
Harry Reid

From: The less than Honorable Harry Reid
To: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Subj: Those funny things that you say

Dear Mah,

Dude are you nuts? Just when we’re showing some success in getting the US to run like a squirrel from Iraq, you pipe up with this “we’re prepared to fill any vacuum” stuff. Look, you can have Iraq when the Democrats get the US to quit. That’s probably going to be when we win the White House in ’08. Until then dude, be cool. And don’t pay any attention to any of the tough talk coming from our candidate. She has to talk that way. After the election we’ll let the UN tie our hands and you can move in.

For now, keep that filling the vacuum stuff to yourself. It’s messing everything up, and I remind you George Bush is still president. He may be the only guy actually listening to you. Geez Mah, just stick with the nuking the Jews stuff will ya.

You friend in Jihad,
Harry Reid


From: The less than Honorable Harry Reid
To: Democrats

Subj: Success in Iraq is NOT an option

Dear Dems,

Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that many of you are beginning to speak favorably about the war – and no it doesn’t matter to me if it’s the truth or not. I’ll remind you that the Democrat Party strategy now, as always, is that what’s good for America is bad for Democrats. Our political power and future demands that we lose in Iraq. Even before the surge began, I declared it failure. How about a little support guys. I and the party will look like fools if this surge thing works out.

It’s obvious to everyone, even me, that the surge is working. I shouldn’t need to point out to you that is the worse news possible for the party. Here’s what we need to do:

Call Petraeus incompetent – why am I the only one who has done so?
Get some of his jealous passed over Army buds to condemn him as an apple polisher
Dig up every bit of bad news from Iraq and throw it at him

These measures are what I call, taking the high road. If the above measures fail we need to bring out all of the tried and true Democrat tactics.

Call him a racist, bigoted, homophobic ultra right wing Christian zealot.

If nothing else works, see what kind of “stance” he uses in the men’s room.

Any Democrat who fails to toe the line on this strategy will have their name turned over to the Daily KOs for the savaging they deserve.

Your leader in the defeat of America,
Harry Reid