No, everyone shouldn't vote

So, there’s this myth that we ALL need to get out and vote tomorrow. That’s a bunch of BS. Here’s a short list of people who should stay home.


If you go by or are friends with anyone who goes by the name Snookie or uses the handle “the situation,” sleep late. Get up just in time to meet your posse at the newest “after hours club” on Wednesday morning. Do the republic a favor, don’t vote.

If you think that the words, “separation of church and state” appear in ANY of our founding documents, spend all day Tuesday searching those documents for that passage. Report to your polling place only after finding those words, in that order, in one of our founding documents.

If you get your “news” from John Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Keith Olbermann or other comic clowns, maybe you should stay home and read a month’s worth of WSJ OpEd pages.

If you think that the Cambridge, MA police “acted stupidly” for investigating the report of man breaking down a door to a neighbor’s home at night, hold your own day long beer summit, but don’t vote.

If you look at voting as the surest way for you to increase your annual income, spend the day looking for a job or a non-union job. Don’t vote. We really can’t afford you now.

If you think the US Constitution is “living” and “breathing” but babies aren’t, print off a copy of the constitution and spend Tuesday seeing if it will fog a mirror. After proving that it will, report to your polling place to vote.

If you think the same people that can’t tell you if it’ll rain or not in two days, can accurately predict catastrophic “climate change” in the next three decades, you should spend Tuesday collecting food and building your “climate change” shelter. You really cannot afford to waste what limited time you have left standing in line to vote.

Unless you are bed ridden or house bound, if you regularly watch any program that comes on between 9AM and 4 PM (ie Daytime tv), spend Tuesday examining when it all went wrong for you.

If you refer to your female friends a “bitches,” call the bitches up for coffee, but don’t vote.

If you cannot name one member of the Supreme Court, the president’s cabinet or your congressional representative, but can name every American Idol and runner up, you probably shouldn’t be choosing the leadership for the nation.

Others who shouldn’t be voting:

Can’t locate your own state on a map.
Can’t locate America on a map.
Can’t locate the map.

Don’t know who George Washington is.
Don’t know who Abe Lincoln is.
Has to ask what the meaning of “is” is.

Never looked for meaningful work.
Never held a meaningful job.
You shouldn’t vote, but cheer up, apparently you can be elected president.