Arming Hank Kimball

Feds want to give this man ballistic body armor and a 30 round submachine gun.  What could go wrong?
Having bought up tons and tons of ammo to support armed agents in nearly every branch of the federal government, the feds are now dumping your hard earned tax dollars on body armor and submachine guns for the Department of Agriculture.  Why?  I do not know.  So Lex got County Agent Hank Kimball from Hooterville, MO on the blower to explain.

Lex:  Good afternoon Mr. Kimball.

Mr. K:  Good afternoon Lex.  Well, it’s not really afternoon here.  We‘re an hour behind you there in Indiana.   Do you know how that works?  Anyway, it’s still morning here in Hooterville, well late morning.  Well, not really late like it died or anything like that, but late like most of it’s already gone.

Lex:  Ahh, yes.  Well the reason called Mr. Kimball is to ask you why the Department of Agriculture is investing in ballistic body armor and submachine guns.  Do you have any ideas?

Mr. K:  Ballistic body armor?  Is that another name for that skin tight underwear armor stuff all the kids at the high school wear?  I don’t really have the body for that anymore.  Well, I have a body.  Wouldn’t be talking to you if I didn’t.  But I think I’d look pretty silly in that stuff.  It looks like that stuff would cut off your circulation.  Do you know if it cuts off your circulation?  Blood circulation I mean.  I supposed I’d still be able to circulate around the county in it – if didn’t cut off my circulation – blood circulation. 

Lex:  No.  I don’t think it restricts your blood circulation or your ability to move freely about the county.  But that’s not why I called.

Mr. K:  Well get to the point young man.  I’m a busy man.  Mr. Douglass has weevil in his corn.  He wants me to come take a look.  Look at what, I asked him.  The weevil he said.  What weevil I asked.  The weevil in my corn Mr. Kimball.   Apparently he has a weevil somewhere he wants me to look at.  So I don’t have a lot of time to waste.  Well, I have some time.  I may stop by Drucker’s for an ice cream on the way over to the Green Acres farm, I just don’t have a lot of time.

Lex:  Huh, yes well, I’m not talking about underwear armor – uh Under Armor.  I’m referring to ballistic body armor, what you might call a bullet proof vest.

Mr. K:  Vest?  I’m a jacket man my self.  Never could understand why anyone would pay all that money for a jacket they cut the sleeves off of.  No sir.  Give me a jacket sleeves and all.  Now Mr. Douglass wears a vest.  Do you want me to ask him what he might do with an underwear armor vest?  Seems silly to me, a skin tight jacket with no sleeves.

Lex:  Bullet proof vest, Mr. Kimball, BULLET PROOF!

Mr. K:  Bullet proof?  Now why on Earth would anyone need a bullet proof vest, or even a bullet proof jacket, here in Hooterville?  Is Mr. Douglass trying to teach the Mrs. to shoot that shotgun again?  She always ends up on her backside and shoots down the telegraph wire.  She must have shot that wire out a 100 times.  Well, maybe not 100, but at least 50.  Well, maybe not 50.  At least 10.  Or was it twice?  Anyway, I don’t know why in the world anyone would tell a woman to “get a shotgun.” Well, I know why they’d tell her that, but I don’t know why they'd let her do it.    

Lex:  Look Mr. Kimball, this isn’t going the way I thought it’d go.  I’ll just let you get on over to the Green Acres farm.

Mr. K:  Why would I be headed over there?

Lex:  The weevil.

Mr. K:  What weevil?

Lex:  The weevil in the corn.

Mr. K:  Mr. Douglass has a weevil in his corn?  Why didn’t you say so?  I’d better get over there and take a look.

Yes by all means, let’s arm the Hank Kimball’s of the world.