Monday, October 31, 2011

What if you tried to "occupy" your own home

I was thinking what an OWS movement would look like at home. Here’s what I came up with.

Like the rest of the 99% on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I was occupying my living room couch flipping between the NFL and NASCAR when “the man” (AKA Mzzzzz. Lex) came in and demanded that I leave the couch so that the Cheetos mess could be vacuumed up before it irreversibly turned the couch orange.

For a foolish minute I though about resisting. I can wait her out. Then I saw it - a near empty 32 ounce Power Aide bottle. With that raised eyebrow, I knew she knew too. I’d be leaving that couch for my own needs sooner or later – probably sooner.

This is the perfect time for compromise. So I got up and feigned like I was helping out. I grabbed the Cheetos bag, the Power Aide bottle, the bag Oreos, the plate that had the donuts on it, the M&Ms, and the Sunday sports section. I acted as if I were headed to the kitchen to put the mess up. Then, when out of reach and hopefully unnoticed, I broke for the basement and established a new command center for the Occupy Pulver Rd. resistance movement there.

Our movement is small but dedicated. We are the household 99%. Me, Lex jr., George the dog and Ty the pony are shutting things down here in protest of the 1% who controls all the money, buys all food, does all the laundry, shops, cleans the house, cooks, pays all the bills, and generally keeps things moving around here.

Our stupid and outrageous demands include:

Snuggies for everyone, Leopard Snuggies that is not one those common blue or pink models

A singing fish by the front door to impress our friends

A set of real lawn Jarts the heavy pointy kind banned by a namby pamby government

At least 3 flavors of ice cream in the frig at all times

And no holier than thou looks from “the man” when we watch The Simpsons

These are our demands! Well those and a new belt and a NASCAR hat and an unlimited allowance to buy whatever we want whenever we want it.

Those are our demands! Well those and moving school start time back to a reasonable hour, say 10, no wait, 10:30 and no more cutting the grass. That is so bourgeois, and new car. Did I say car? No. A truck. A Ford 150 with everything. Those are our demands!

Yeah, I know, this isn’t going to end well. Too bad city governments around the country don’t have the resolve of someone who actually has to make things work.

In its Sunday edition, the local fish wrap whined about Herman Cain’s smoking ad and called Herman’s smile “creepy.” Lex fired off this note giving them a taste of their own medicine:

Calling Herman Cain’s engaging and infectious smile “creepy” is straight up racism. There is no other explanation. Here you have the first real black man in either party who has held a steady private sector job and is leading the race for his party’s nomination in nationwide polls. And what is the JG’s response? Get out there and try to push the skilled and successful black man to the back of the bus. Round him up! Get him back on the plantation! You ought to ashamed of yourselves.

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