Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Avoiding an AL vs LSU re-match in the BCS

Here’s the big news from last night’s debate: Newt wants to allow illegal aliens who entered this country 25 years ago; have children and grandchildren who are American citizens; have paid their taxes and are members of a local church to be made “legal” but NOT CITIZENS. He proposed a kind of local draft board to review things case by case.

That would sound reasonable were it not for the Demo-Dopes who would turn 25 years into 25 minutes, having children and grandchildren would become, having 17 kids by 15 different fathers all living on welfare; paid taxes would become, paid union dues; being members of a local church would become, being members of the Demo-Dope party.

People cannot stand Washington Pols because common sense is such an uncommon commodity. And if you want to know why that is, look two posts under.

But who cares about that? Thanksgiving is upon us. That means only one thing – big Sis’s birthday is nearby - Mon. To cook dinner this year, she will probably have to be coaxed out of the basement where she’s been hiding out since Alabama’s OT loss to an inferior LSU team. Family finances be damned, and never mind she won’t pay to put her own kids through college, she is running an ad on E-bay offering a full ride to Alabama for anyone who can consistently kick a 44 yard field goal.

Things got only slightly better after last weekend’s shake up of the BCS standings which put Alabama back in the #2 spot. Sadly, the depth of the MF Global scandal was just coming to light at the same time. After investing heavily in Bernie Madoff’s “can’t lose” investment strategy, she dumped the rest of the family fortune into something called MF Global. Run by a former NJ governor, it was “a sure thing.” Only it wasn’t, because it was run by a former NJ governor.  Now the nation knows what the MF stands for.

Right after Thanksgiving dinner, she’ll be loading up her bucket of nickels and heading off to the MS casinos to try to scrape together enough cash for a nice Christmas this year. She’ll be easy to spot. Look for the gal, a bit long in the tooth, wearing an Alabama visor, elephant ear rings, one of those incredibly fashionable elephant trunks over her nose, an Alabama sweatshirt with “BAMA” on the front and a roll of toilet paper and an empty Tide detergent box duck taped to the back, Alabama PJ bottoms and elephant head slippers.

But the only thing likely to get her back to snapping her fingers to Neil Diamond’s “You are my love at last” is if there’s a re-match in the BCS Championship game between Alabama and LSU. Let’s see, AL vs. LSU…again. That means a football game that:

Has more punts than accurate passes.

Is so boring even soccer fans will be tuning in.

Will have fewer total yards by both teams combined at the end of the game than Stanford and Oregon average in their first possession.

Will have the nation trading in their beer cups for drool cups.

Will make Woody Hayes’s three yards in cloud of dust look like crazy, wildcat, flea flicker, trick plays, double reverse toss back to one tackle throwing a 60 yard strike to the other tackle who was an eligible receiver, wide open football.

If Alabama wins, will have LSU crying foul and demanding a best 2 out of 3 re-match.

If it's AL and LSU in the BCS, I suggest we skip the game and go straight to the overtime rules.  That or the first touchdown wins.  That would mean the longest game in history, maybe even perpetual football.  In 2057, after an LSU defender's cane broke, AL 3rd string running back - old man Jones - "dashes" for the winning score,  in a run that takes so long they have to use time lapsed photography on Sports Center to show it.

Our ONLY hope in avoiding this disaster is Arkansas beating LSU by 3 touchdowns. Well, there is ONE other possibility. The Iron Bowl is this weekend. But it’s sissy’s birthday so, for her sake and the sake of her family, we won’t even go there.

Happy birthday sis.

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