Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Ideas for retiring the national debt

Hold a series of national lotteries.

Sure if we hold a national lottery to retire our debt, 98% of the burden of paying off the debt will fall on foolish people who can least afford it. We’ve all been at the check out at the Stop and Go on the corner of Hucksmif & Corvil (hilarious but DEFINITELY no kids) when some mope dressed in camo and sporting an outrageous mullet buys a six pack of Keystone Light beer, two cartons of cigarettes and $40 worth of lottery tickets with cash and a gallon of milk, a bag of donuts and pound of bacon with his welfare card.

This plan has the added benefit of allowing the P-BO to set up a whole new government entitlement program. The Department of Payoff Equity or DOPE will be established to reimburse mopes who used their rent money to buy tickets. It’s the least we can do after they sacrificed so much.

Sure I’d buy a ticket. But I know I’d have 1 in 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 chances of winning. And the winner would be Warren Buffet. How could he miss? Here’s a guy who demands to pay more taxes, but for some reason won’t just send the money in, hmmm. He could plop down 5 billion for tickets as an act of patriotism and not blink an eye. With 5 billion in tickets how could he lose?

Declare a national disaster

Americans love to give their hard earned money to people all over the world hit by natural disasters. So, the P-BO could declare an American natural disaster, like the Grand Canyon filling in. Hey, if Hollywood can fake a moon landing they have someone who can photoshop this. Tell Americans it will take 16 trillion to buy enough shovels and hire enough men for this “shovel ready project.” Put Slow Joe Biden in charge of the effort. Set up an account and watch as school kids hold car washes, sell 50 cent candy bars for $5 and go door to door with “Help Dig Out the Grand Canyon” change containers.

Again the burden here falls on the really stupid. I can see Biden and the Congressional Black Caucus being the worst hit here. I probably wouldn’t fall this one but would list it as new conspiracy theory on this page at some point.

Sell Bonds

How did America finance WWII? War bond drives, that’s how. Here’s how that worked. The bond drive chairman would round up the latest war heroes and a couple of top tier entertainers and travel the nation putting on shows. People would give until it hurt. Of course the greatest WWII war bond drive was with a couple of Marines who put up the Flag on Iwo Jima, and were immortalized in Joe Rosenthal’s epic photo while in the process.

So how would this work? Well we’d get some economic geniuses and “budget heroes” like Tim the tax cheat Geithner and Charlie ways and means to cheat the taxman Rangle to travel the country sharing their tips on tax preparations. You get guys Like Scrawny Harry this war is lost Reid to deliver a bit of cowboy poetry about his pomegranate trees and how he made 6 million dollars in profit on a senator’s pay. He can also tell the engaging story about how and why the senate hasn’t produced a budget in going on 900 days now. This is great stuff.

After stem winders by these “budget heroes” you bring out the Hollywood entertainment to get the crowd really jazzed up so they will give until it hurts. You get Babs Streisand to sing “People” who help retire the debt are the luckiest people. You get Tony Bennett to sing “I Left My Brain in the Twin Towers.” The Dixie Chicks close out the extravaganza with there are “Wide Open Spaces” in downtown NY all because of George Bush.

I probably wouldn’t go for this one, but there are millions of brain dead liberals who would, which makes it a good plan in my book.

Just ask people to send it in

The P-BO could go on tv and tell all of those millionaires and billionaires – Buffett, Bloomberg, Moore et al - and anyone else who is complaining about low taxes to just send it in. This hasn’t worked to date. In fact, in Buffett’s case, the creep won’t pay the taxes he owes while asking to be taxed even more. WTF?

Sadly, none of the plans will work. If God himself came down from the Heavens and wiped the debt clean, the 535 would just take it as a sign to continue to spend more and more. We’d be back in trouble by noon the next day.

Here’s the realistic way.  Vote as many of the 535 out of office as possible.

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